running ...

Because I always feel like running Not away, because there is no such place Because, if there was I would have found it by now Because it's easier to run Easier than staying and finding out you're the only one Who didn't run Because running will be the way your life and mine Will be described As in "the long run" Or as in having given someone a "run for his money" Or as in "running out of time" Because running makes me look like everyone else Though I hope there will never be cause for that Because I will be running in the other direction Not running for cover Because if I knew where cover was I would stay there and never have to run for it Not running for my life Because I have to be running for something of more value To be running and not in fear Because the thing I fear cannot be escaped Eluded, avoided, hidden from, protected from, gotten away from Not without showing the fear as I see it now Because closer, clearer, no sir, nearer Because you of you and because of that nice That you quietly, quickly be causing And because you're going to see me run soon And because you're going to know why I'm running then You'll know then Because I'm not going to tell you now ― Gil Scott-Heron, Now and Then...

wherever I go I be looking for him ... love and light

and those are my issues

I know I'm easy going and a lot laid back ... not to make up excuses but past experiences, insecurities, uncertainties, disappointments and most of all fear - fear of failure, fear of criticism; have left a bitter taste in my mouth when it comes to a "love love relationship" I had gotten into a routine that I was quite comfortable with. now that I've found myself here, I'm just a bit hesitant, reluctant and scared. those are my issues.

Love is an action … yet some people still refer to its power as a noun …

for women who are 'difficult' to love. ~ Warsan Shire

You are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

 1. There’s a reason schools teach Shakespeare instead of John Green; you make your own life, it’s not written in the stars, waiting to start until you find that person with the perfect smile
2. People are a hell of a lot smart than you think. Shut your mouth, stop thinking you know everything, and listen.

3. Getting close and being vulnerable is scary as hell, But you know what else it is? Worth it.

4. Reason really is the doctor to love.

5. The moment you feel your happiness being dictated by another person, take a break from them.

6. Take a step back and look around, you have more friends than you think.

7. Growing up is going to happen and it’s going to be tough. Just stay close to those around you, you’re all in it together.

8. If you’re still checking their Facebook/Instagram/tumblr, you’re never going to get over them.

9. Everything seems worse in the morning. Don’t fall for it, it’s deceiving.

10. No need to be so intense all the time. People get tired of swimming in the deep end, sometimes they need a break in the shallow part of the pool.

11. Stop avoiding everything. Get out of bed, get dressed, go to school, go to work. It sucks at first but it’s part of the healing process.

12. If the person makes you feel like shit and you still go back to them, it’s an abusive relationship.

13. Headphones are great, but listen to music aloud every once in a while. Sometimes you need to scream a song so everyone can hear you.

14. Boundaries are a must.

15. You can be a caring person, but you need to be happy with yourself before you try to make others happy.

16. Try and understand other’s intentions and situation before you get angry with them.

17. Tough love is necessary sometimes.

18. You can’t fix people no matter how hard you try. Get this engrained in your mind.

19. Surround yourself with people who will love and support you.

20. Loneliness is lethal and makes you have a distorted view of things.

21. No one hates you more than you hate yourself. Stop being your own enemy.

22. Someone can only hurt your feelings if you allow them to.

23. Getting your shit back in order is five times as hard as it is to mess it all up.

24. Listen to your parent’s advice.

25. Be open to anything and everything. Life isn’t fun when you’re a closed book.

26. Talking about your problems is great, but there comes a point when talking about it becomes dwelling on the past and it drains everyone around you. Know when you’ve hit this point.

27. A lot of people don’t like their shit showing. More people than you know are going through hard times.

28. Distract yourself.

29. Don’t be so easily swayed, a lot of claims out there are not true.

30. Some seasons of your life are harder than others. This too shall pass. 


30 Things I Learned During the 30 Worst Days of my Life: November 2013

thick skin

Why do I need to get all bent out of shape when someone says something to me that I don’t like? When someone questions my behavior or intentions? My peace of mind should not be dependent on being understood by others. 

I mean, it’s nice to be understood, but I don’t want to need that approval in order to feel content with myself.

I need to stop being so defensive and "breathe it all in, love it all out"

GGR

pinch and a punch its the first of the month

1st of January
Said you starting over ....

“later that night
i held an atlas in my lap
ran my fingers across the whole world
and whispered
where does it hurt?

it answered
everywhere"

 

warsan shire

What if you didn’t run? This one time. What if you stayed, and let love overtake you?

Now playing: Beneath your Beautiful, Labrinth ft Emeli Sande

“You let all the girls go.
Makes you feel good, don’t it?
Behind your Broadway show,
I heard a boy say, “Please don’t hurt me.” – Emeli Sande

A Man and Woman desperate to fall in love, but both afraid of love and what love offers asks the question to see “beneath the beautiful” and “beneath the perfect"

Take off your guard and drop the armour - It’s a sexy tongue in cheek song because it’s not about sex alone - It’s a plea for intimacy … that will eventually lead to whatever love and life will offer when you succumb

Afternoon rendezvous (haiku)

she discreetly slips through
the door. No explanations
except her secret smile

Is that really too much to ask for?

I'm not looking to get fucked and throwed out like yesterdays garbage; I want a meaningful relationship something long lasting and worth the trip.

I want someone where we can have an open and honest relationship where trust and respect demands full attention.

I want someone who will not make me insecure to please his own ego; who respects me enough to be able to talk to me about any and everything and doesn't need to seek endless attention from other women.

I want someone who is faithful and committed enough to be in a
monogamous relationship.

I want someone who will only have eyes for me I want that kind of love that when I walk into the room he sees me in color and the other women just fade to black and white.

I want someone who will be there for me (emotionally, mentally and physically) and if I happen to have a flat tire he drops everything and comes to my rescue.

I want a super hero.

I want someone who is romantic and spontaneous and do sweet little things "just because".

I want someone who doesn't make promises he can't keep, he is reliable and dependable, and he doesn't blame others for his failures or mistakes.

I want someone who is forward-thinking and plans ahead for his immediate and distant future.

I want someone to realize that once he's made that decision to be with me he also has to consider my 2 kids - that we three we're a complete package and although they don't need a father they do need that positive strong role model to emulate and to love their mother unconditionally.


~C.Ann M. Graham
circa September 2009

I beg you don't give yourself to any and everyone ....

I beg you don't give yourself to any and everyone ....

on a Dopamine high

"a happy life isnt about chasing a man or even having a man ... a happy life is about being the best woman you can be"

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.  ~Maya Angelou

Remember this because it will happen many times in your life. When people show you who they are the first time believe them. Not the 29th. time. When a man doesn't call you back the first time, when you are mistreated the first time, when someone shows you lack of integrity or dishonesty the first time, know that this will be followed many many other times, that will some point in life come back to haunt or hurt you. Live your life in truth. Don't pretend to be someone your not. You will survive anything if you live your life from the point of view of truth.”



― Oprah Winfrey

Now Playing: Beautiful, Mariah Carey ft Miguel

#nowplaying: Emeli Sandé - Next To Me

"you will find him, you'll find him next to me"




You won't find him drinking under tables


Rolling dice or staying out til 3

You won't ever find him be unfaithful

You will find him, you'll find him next to me



You won't find him tryna to change the devil

For money, fame, for power, out of greed

You won't ever find him where the rest go

You will find him, you'll find him next to me



Next to me - wooh hooo

Next to me - wooh hooo

Next to me - wooh hooo

You will find him, you'll find him next to me



When the money's spent and all my friends have vanished

And I can't seem to find no help or love for free

I know there's no need for me to panic

'Cause I'll find him, I'll find him next to me



When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing

And the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe

When all I need's a hand to stop the tears from falling

I will find him, I'll find him next to me



Next to me - wooh hooo

Next to me - wooh hooo

Next to me - wooh hooo

I will find him, I'll find him next to me



When the end has come and buildings falling down fast

When we've spoilt the land and dried up all the sea

When everyone has lost their heads around us

You will find him, you'll find him next to me



Next to me - wooh hooo

Next to me - wooh hooo

Next to me - wooh hooo

You will find him, you'll find him next to me



Next to me - wooh hooo

Next to me - wooh hooo

Next to me - wooh hooo

You will find him you'll find him next to me

Letter to my 25 year old self, at 35


Be too focused on improving yourself, that you don’t have time to criticize others. Credit cards are evil. Talk is cheap. There is always, always something to be thankFull for. There is no soul mate. The One is The One because you say he is The One. Life is what you make of it. Everything happens for a reason. Tragedy happens. life can be cruel and heart wrenching. Some souls will collide and mistakes are bound to happen. Believe it or not, you reserve the right to cut people off when they start to corrupt the peaceful ambiance that is your life. You are extremely Blessed.  SING off key. Sometimes you know you shouldn’t do “it” … and that’s exactly why you should. Make it a point to be encouraging as possible, as much as possible to everyone as possible. If a married man tries to French Kiss you, it is definitely out of bounds. Burn your to do list.  Get out more, socialize, meet new people. Don’t take it personally, especially when they don’t know you personally. Continue to “Be kinder than necessary”. Your heart…your heart…your heart is where it’s at. Be generous with your time. The race is long and in the end its only against your self. Be less critical with your words. Love all, love always. Don’t look back EVER. Enter. Leave. You will exercise, you will eat right, you will eat wrong, you will lose weight, you will gain weight. you will get gray hair. You will feel frumpy at times. Remember you are beautiful. Fall in love. with yourself. with him. You can be anything you want in the world…. Just don’t be ungrateful. Don’t let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace. BECAUSE LIFE IS SHORT.

I'm over you - Aulelei Love

I used to stretch my body and think of you. 

Long enough to feel guilty, 

But never long enough to consider anything beyond the thought. 

But today, during the sun salutation 

When my spine lengthened 

Your heat wasn't there. 

I had to struggle to summon your memory. 

The width of you, 

The enclosed feeling I lived in when smothered underneath your laughter at midnight, 

Your sweat, 

The way your pupils disappear when you smile. 

I fought myself to remember you this morning because 

I realize that saying goodbye to you means 

I have to say goodbye to some of my best memories 

My greatest stories 

The heartache that inspires my best work 

The bitterness that had made me a wonderful mother 

Badu's 'green eyes' will no longer evoke sobs 

Soul food menus will never make me blush or giggle behind closed eyelids again 

I'm closing your door 

The one that I had placed a piece of paper over the lock so it wouldn't shut completely 

The door I oiled the hinges to so you can sneak back in without notice 

This is good bye...

Choices -Bassy Ikpe

Trying to fall asleep 

confronted by the glow of a television 

at 3AM or 4AM or 5AM 

is difficult 

you cannot sleep comfortably here 

but your bedroom is just 

too lonely 

too far away 

too cold 

your heart 

it's beating too fast 

you are covered in a mist 

your own sweat 

and you are afraid 

of what's happening to your body 

to your emotions 

to your common sense 

so this is an open letter 

to the girl that you once were 

the one that loved without 

restrictions and conditions 

the one that was fearless 

without judgment 

the one that loved loudly 

like a thousand steel bands 

and danced with the feverish joy 

of a child just learning to appreciate her body 

her feet 

how they move 

how they feel 

how they carry 

remembering the voice 

your voice 

and how it never fit on the inside 

it existed within the full-throated shout of grown men 

outdoors amongst the trees 

skinned knees 

the freedom of dirt 

and mud 

and rain 

She is 25 now, that girl 

and after a quarter century of living 

and loving 

she has become lonely 

and scared 

harboring secrets 

and sadness 

wondering 

what happened to 18 

and innocent 

and sober 

and fearless 

But this isn't about that 

or her 

this is about hiding 

this is about choices 

about saying no 

when you mean yes 

this is about saying I'm afraid 

and lonely 

and sorry 

and meaning it 

this is about finally knowing what you want 

and having no idea how to get it 

this is about for once not hiding behind 

metaphors 

and similes 

and smiles 

and reconstructed laughter 

this is about honesty 

and truth 

and falling in love 

and meaning it 

This is about falling 

and love 

and leaving it 

this is about not knowing 

but mostly, this is about choices 

choices too difficult to take like 

leaving or loving 

choices too difficult to make like 

living or dying 

this is about confusion 

and contradiction 

a vegetarian who hates vegetables 

a size 2 who always tries on a size 8 

just in case something has changed 

this is about changes 

honoring them 

trusting them 

recognizing them 

and fearing them 

this is about never letting go 

so this is about letting go 

this is about looking him in the face 

saying I will fight for you 

protect you 

I swear to God 

This is about wanting someone to fight for you 

protect you 

swear to their God 

This is about knowing that he won't 

and still finding the strength to leave 

so this is about fatigue 

and being tired of being there 

when no one seems to be there for you 

this is about knowing who is 

who will leave you alone 

who will beg you to stay 

and those who know the difference 

This is about truth 

the ones you keep hidden about yourself 

from yourself 

this is about the mess you've made of a life 

you haven't even really started to own yet 

this is about the friends you can't share the scary parts with 

so maybe, this is about secrets 

about the pills hidden in your underwear drawer 

about 4 hours in the gym 

about 2 weeks of only water and powers 

so this is about shame 

about finally admitting that things aren't okay 

this is about the fear lodged in the pit of your belly 

the fear that gives you 

weight 

wings 

the fear rising with the lump in your throat 

this is about crying in public 

and hiding the tears 

this is about wanting to jump 

and your fear of heights 

this is about your need to soar 

and the ropes that keep you grounded 

and expectations 

and disappointments 

this is about the sadness behind your mother's eyes 

the worry in your father's voice 

this is about walking away 

and not looking back 

this is about looking back 

and facing the mirror 

this is about being naked 

with your truths 

with your family 

with your friends 

with your lovers 

this is about saying 

now that you know the truth 

will you please just love me anyway? 

this is about safety 

about reaching out begging to be heard 

it's about voices 

and words 

that no longer comfort 

this is about humility 

and admitting that you need help 

and sleep 

and permission to cry 

despite the strength you are often accused of 

this is about the walls that you've built 

to trap 

and protect 

this is about those brave enough to scale those walls 

those that battle for you 

against you 

to knock them down 

this is about relinquishing control 

it's about taking a breath 

stepping back 

It's about 3AM, 4AM, 5AM, 

6AM, 7AM, 8AM, 9AM 

still no sleep 

the glow of a television 

you 

bathed in sweat 

tears 

the mystery of silence 

solitude 

the need for noise 

the quiet that confines you 

and the chaos 

that will always 

keep you 

moving

Hello May,

It's been a while, I'm not who I was before ...


You look surprised,

sometimes

sometimes i need the same understanding and leeway i give others sometimes i need a raincheck not pressure sometimes i need someone to ask how i feel sometimes i need basic consideration sometimes i need a little lead time sometimes i need others to realize it's not about them sometimes i need someone to care...really care sometimes i need to be compensated with love sometimes i need help not more friggin' work sometimes i need to purge emotions and fatigue sometimes i just need....damn! moxee

Take this savoury tangerine sunset, hold it in your hands and splash it on your sadness ....

I saw you the other day … and it dawned on me that I don’t remember us ever saying goodbye, but I know that you’re gone and I miss our friendship. I wish that it didn’t have to end on such a sour sucky note but it did, I guess its true what they say everything has its season and reason.

The void our friendship left had me broken and I felt totally abandoned, (only for a minute) but I’m also a stronger paerson today because of the knowledge you’ve left with me, you’ve showed me there’s nothing I couldn’t do, be or have once I put my mind to it.

I only called today to say Thank You for the lessons learned, and I’ve appreciated each moment and valued our time - I wish you all the best that life and love will offer you.

Goodbye, unspoken words



*sending you love and light, now I'mma drop it

Dear Life,

Thank You that curiosity is endless

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter 1




I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost ... I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.



Chapter 2



I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.

But it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.



Chapter 3



I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in ... it's a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.



Chapter 4



I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.



Chapter 5



I walk down another street.







(There's a Hole in My Sidewalk) ~ Portia Nelson ~



















There are some holes that I fall into out of habits that are very hard to change, over the years negotiating the holes on the street has become easier, and for the most part I take a different street. Still, there are those difficult “what the effery?” times that I fall and stumble into a hole.

do you have a date for Valentines day? .... yes its the 14th of February

Dear Life,

Thank You for a place where unconditional love is given and received

We spend January walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives ... not looking for flaws, but for potential.


~Ellen Goodman

Friendships are not to be judged cause people are people (so they say). Granted people are human beings first and yes people make mistakes but when the effery hits the fan how do you know when to forgive, when to move on, and when to do both?




I’ll leave that up to you and your intuition.

Dear Life,

Thank you for new beginnings and another chance to get "it" right

May each day of 2013 bring happiness, love, a healthy lifestyle, good cheer, belly aching laughter, prosperity, a thankFull heart and sweet surprises ….

Promise yourself to accept life as it comes

and truly make each day special~~

to become more independent and more

willing to change ~~

to fill your life with special times,

and make your dreams come true.

~~~Deanna Beisser

 

 

(Promise Yourself)

 

 

I PROMISE

thoughts, prayers, love and light to those who lost loved ones this year ***never forget***

It’s the century’s last sequential date. For some, it represents luck (good or bad). For others, it’s a day of romance, engagements, weddings. For the rest of us, it’s just another Wednesday.

Regardless of your beliefs, enjoy your day!!!!!

being a parent is the most challenging, back breaking, completely daunting, you will never ever be fully prepared thing you can ever commit to....

Be Kinder than Necessary

"Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." That quote is so good I wish I had written it myself but I didn’t, but for the longest time I've always identified with it and through this little reminder I am quicker to offer a smile when I make eye contact with strangers and generally more patient and kind.



A NYC Taxi driver wrote:
I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.



"Just a minute", answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.



After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90′s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940′s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware. ‘Would you carry my bag out to the car?’ she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, and then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness. ‘It’s nothing’, I told her ‘I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated."



“Oh, you’re such a good boy,” she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, ‘Could you drive through downtown?’ “It’s not the shortest way,” I answered quickly.



“Oh, I don’t mind,” she said. “I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a hospice.”



I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. ‘I don’t have any family left,’ she continued in a soft voice. “The doctor says I don’t have very long.’ I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.



‘What route would you like me to take?’ I asked.



For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she’d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.



As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, “I’m tired. Let’s go now.”



We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a Small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.



‘How much do I owe you?’ She asked, reaching into her purse.



‘Nothing,’ I said



‘You have to make a living,’ she answered.



‘There are other passengers,’ I responded.



Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.



‘You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,’ she said.’ Thank you.’



I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.



I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once then driven away?




The point of the above story is to encourage you to be kinder than necessary to the people you meet. We are never too busy to be kind.

Smile and make it a great day,

Oh boy oh boy it’s a GIRL

Babies, babies everywhere ((except here))

Bag lady you gone hurt your back


Draggin all them bags like that

I guess nobody ever told you

All you must hold on to

Is you, is you, is you...

-Erykah Badu

a fork in the road

Alice came to a fork in the road.


'Which road do I take?' she asked.

'Where do you want to go?' responded the Cheshire cat.

'I don't know,' Alice answered.

'Then,' said the cat, 'it doesn't matter.'



Lewis Carroll, 1832-1898

Imperfection intertwined in perfection. Weakness dipped in His perfect strength. It must be God in her.

"your words are too slippery" she told him "I can't hold on to any of them"

Pet Peeves: Miscommunication

"say what you mean and mean what you say" ----->simple isn't it

Time to save the world


Where in the world is all the time

So many things I still don't know

So many times I've changed my mind

Guess I was born to make mistakes

But I ain't scared to take the weight

So when I stumble off the path

I know my heart will guide me back

~Didn't Cha Know, Erykah Badu

A year from now, you'll wish you had started today ....

Motivation 101

A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble.

~Charles H. Spurgeon

I done been through some painful things

I thought that I'd never make it through

Filled up with shame from the top of my head to the souls of my shoes

I've put myself in so many chaotic circumstances

By the Grace of God

I've been given so many second chances

But today I decided to let it all go

I'm dropping these bags I'm makin room for my joy

~I Choose, India Arie

God's mercies are new every morning and His grace is sufficient for me today. I think sometimes I try to do lots of days worth of things in one day, when all I'm required to do is today's work. When I focus on that, I have so much peace and I am really able to say that His grace is totally enough. I'm reminded of how God provided manna for the Israelites everyday. He didn't provide a week's worth in one day, but each day He provided exactly what they needed. He does that for us. He gives us exactly what we need for each day, which causes us each day to rely on Him and look to Him. In this I can truly say that His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

Study me as much as you like, you will not


know me, for I differ in a hundred ways from

what you see me to be.



Put yourself behind my eyes and see me as I

see myself, for I have chosen to dwell

in a place you cannot see.



-Rumi

Breast Cancer Awareness Month is that time of year where my Family look at our Blessing while remaining ThankFull and empathize with others. . .

Perfectly Imperfect

perfection is a silly unattainable goal. I bawl, I pray, I cry, I occasionally crack a joke, but still I rise. It’s called being human and it’s all you ever can be. Having quirks, imperfections, personality traits and character flaws are a part of that. When you can admit to your own imperfections no one can use them against you.

so fly....

Love that Elle Varner

do you know where you're going

Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: "I am with you kid. Let's go." ~Maya Angelou

And I thank you for choosing me


To come through unto life to be

A beautiful reflection of his grace

See I know that a gift so great

Is only one God could create

And I'm reminded every time I see your face

~ To Zion, Lauryn Hill

#notes to self

“I don’t understand how a woman can leave the house without fixing herself up a little – if only out of politeness. And then, you never know, maybe that’s the day she has a date with destiny. And it’s best to be as pretty as possible for destiny.”


–Coco Chanel

She loves him.

But She doesn’t know how to love.

She can talk about love.

She can see love

She can feel love.

She can make love.

But She can’t give love.

And there is only one place to begin ….




Beginning forever …. Today.

#nowPlaying - Amy Winehouse

We all have 24 hours in a day but we’re promised none.

"you go back to her and I go back to, I go back to black"


".. and though I'm not ashamed but the guilt will kill you if she don't first"


In My Bed.


Stronger than Me.


Tears dry on their own.

She breathes. She mourns. She suffers. A part of her passes away. She rebuilds.  She emerges. Timidly at first. Beautiful.   Free.  Enlightened.  Happiness awaits like a faint light in the distance.  And maybe she even still loves him, but she finally loves herself more.

"Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted." - Garrison Keillor

You pack all your moments in the bottom of your suitcase and cover them with your memories.

sarcasm much

What next?

“Oooh! I know, I know! May I have some more disappointment and pain?
and don’t forget the stress and anxiety, please.”

Lately I've been struggling, Spiritually and Emotionally. I have been thinking of what path I should take or the path that I am currently on – where is it leading me?




Hopefully I will soon find a balance.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so out of control that you have to transform your life..."




- Elizabeth Gilbert, "Eat, Pray, Love"

I'd do anything for you, I'd stand out in the rain


Anything you want me to do, don't let it slip away

There's a quiet storm and it never felt like this before

There's a quiet storm, I think it's you

There's a quiet storm and I never felt this hot before

It's givin me somethin that's taboo

~ The Sweetest Taboo, Sade

A woman's loyalty is tested when her man has nothing .. A man's loyalty is tested when he has everything!

He holds on to the moments they spend together.  He watches her open up and then shut down.  Her inconsistency makes him want her even more.  Something about her attention makes him feel super human, so he savors whatever she is willing to give.  Deep down, he knows that she will never be his.  So for as long as he can, he has decided to be where she needs him to be.  It’s just a duty to her that he can't explain.

Motherhood is a task that at times does not seem equal to the super powers that I possess. It is a blessing, an honor, a cherished responsibility, a wondrous experience - but it can be overwhelming, challenging, and downright bone-wearying tired. It demands everything every second of the day. There are times when I feel like I've run out of anything to give. but in those moments God gently reassures me that they have a Heavenly Father who loves them to infinity and beyond. He will strengthen me and guide me as I raise my children in the knowledge of Him.

It seems like my birthday will be spent sending up prayers of thanks, eating lots of cake, reflecting, planning and preparing for good things to come for the New Year

Thank you, God, for giving me another year of life. Thank you for all the people who remembered me today by sending cards, and letters, gifts and good wishes. Thank you for all the experience of this past year; for times of success which will always be happy memories, for times of failure which reminded me of my own weakness and of my need for you, for times of joy when the sun was shining, for times of sadness which drove me to you. Forgive me for the hours I wasted, for the chances I failed to take, for the opportunities I missed this past year. Help me in the days ahead to make this the best year yet, and through it to bring good credit to myself, happiness and pride to my loved ones, and joy to you. Amen.

I pick up pieces of me - piece by piece part by part. Tomorrow a new day will unfold, Tomorrow - I will play a new part.

I once knew a little boy that used to be so happy, prayed everyday, believed in himself and no problems. I once knew a little boy (that I don’t know anymore) he’s clothed in pain, drowned in tears and heartbreak and filled with self pity. Sometimes, I wonder if you ever pause to take a deep breath.

#nowPlaying: Hello Fear, Kirk Franklin

"hello Fear before you sit down, there's something I need to explain"

This woman across the aisle from me at the Supermarket aggressively pulls her cart up to the line with two energetic, little boys in the cart. She is mumbling things under her breath and she moves a piece of hair back into her pony tail and throws her purse over her shoulder. I could feel the tension in the air.


She reaches into her cart and tosses down a box of Tampax and some donut holes.


I couldn't help but laugh in my head I so badly wanted to look her in the eyes and say, "this too shall pass," but you never know what could come back in return.  So, I chose to remain silent.   It was borderline sitcom material ... I should know because I've been there before.

I touched my belly overwhelmed



by what I had been chosen to perform



But then an angel came one day



Told me to kneel down and pray



for unto me a man child would be born



Woe this crazy circumstance


~ To Zion, Lauryn Hill

No shame here. and no apologies. not one.

That one person that doesn't like me

Sometimes something crappy happens between you and another person that leaves you feeling like ….crap…. When that happens to me (which is hardly ever) but when it does happen to me it makes me unspeakably sad and shaken to the core that this person now has a very low opinion of me.

Sometimes you can say sorry in a million different ways to infinity and that person will still not offer you forgiveness, so all you're left with is a void or a black hole.

Le sigh, at the end of the day whatever misunderstanding happened between you and that person you need to forgive yourself  and move the eff on, simmering in this boosheet stew is going to drive you crazy. To use a cliche that is so true and on the money “what other people think of you is none of your business”









*Of course, someone not liking you does not automatically mean that they suck. Although isn't it nice to think so?*

1. I’m not a fan of clingy or needy people.









2. I think ignorance can be funny; sometimes.









3. don’t call me “stranger” conversations go both ways









4. I fear the dentist.









5. I’m annoyed when people blame things on the man.









6. I judge people who publicly litter or spit or burp, or blow their noses









7. In my head I’m sarcastic, snarky and rude.









8. Sometimes fear motivates me.









9. Do not accuse me of something - I just might go out and do it "just for the thrill"








10. I've killed you a million times in my head

My heart has heard you say “Come and talk with me"

and my heart responds “Lord, I am coming”

Psalm 27:8

"...it turns out that there are few things more chaotic than the beat of a human heart. its speeding up, slowing down. pretty face, flight of stairs. it's always changing depending on what's happening out there. it's an erratic son of {jay-walker}. but underneath all of that bump-da-bump mess, there is, in fact, a pattern - the truth. and it's love. the most important thing about love is that we choose to give it, and we choose to receive it - making it the least random act in the entire universe. it transcends blood; it transcends betrayal, and all the dirt that makes us human. if you can figure that out, the jake lees of the world have got nothing on you." - frank allen | chaos theory

I prayed for change, so I changed my mind.

I prayed for guidance and learned to trust myself.

I prayed for happiness and realized I am not my ego.

I prayed for peace and learned to accept others unconditionally.

I prayed for abundance and realized my doubt kept it out.

I prayed for wealth and realized it is my health.

I prayed for a miracle and realized I am the miracle.

I prayed for a soul mate and realized I am The One.

I prayed for love and realized it's always knocking, but I have to let it in."

~Jackson Kiddard

its not going to happen.

he's not going to come over today and pull out the toys to play, or ask for something to drink, he won't help me pick up the toys or wipe up the drink he spilled. he's not going to ask me with his curious self "what are you doing"

I keep remembering that it's not going to happen. and every single time, the remembering makes me sad.

R.I.P. Aiden Cupid

"much, much stress results from your wanting to make things happen before their times have come. one of the main ways I assert "My" sovereignty is in the timing of events. if you want to stay close to "Me" and do things "My" way, ask "Me" to show you the path forward moment by moment. instead of dashing headlong toward your goal, let "Me" set the pace. slow down and enjoy the journey in My presence."

in the midsts of some things, it often looks like my life is so messy. like nothing I would ever want. and then God gives me a view from a distance, and my life becomes something of such grand value to me that I wonder how I could ever have wished for it to be something different.

"Assumptions are the death of any relationship"

If you think you know what is going on inside someone else's head, think again. We imagine that we have the power to read one another's mind, when all we are really doing is reading our own.

It's a great self-defense mechanism but no substitute for actual communication. The very best way to know what is really on someone's mind - ask them.

Be your own Valentine: Love yourself

Make this day one of pampering yourself. Indulge in the romantic-comedy cliche' of a bubble bath by candlelight. Give yourself a pedicure. Buy a new shade of lipstick. Book a massage. Buy yourself flowers. Challenge the notion that roses and romance are only for those with significant others, and treat yourself to the little things that make you feel special - because you are.
~Jade Campbell

#nowplaying: Whitney Houston

"learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all"



"....and the Lord ask me what I did with my life, I will say I spent it with you"



"see I'm mooooving on, and I refuse to turn back"

he's out there somewhere

Only pure unadulterated anticipation can make a woman swoon over a stranger like that. Why wouldn’t she? She’s known him more than anyone can ever know him, this man she’s never met. He’s been existing in her head for years now, he appears more clearly in the nooks and corners of every part of her wandering heart.


She walks to her bedside table, switches on the small lamp, and confidently pulls out “The List” from the top drawer. Scrolling down the page with her eyes, she throws her head back, bursting into laughter. She’s in love with him, she cannot lie. Neither can she wait to meet this warrior of a man.

he puts family first
he is polite to his mother and respectful to his father
he has eyes for me only
he works hard
he is humble
he wants the best for me and our children
he does not swear in front of our children
his love for me and our children is unconditional
he is a human jungle gym for our children
he will find the time for our children
he helps with our children at bedtime
he is passionate about our family
he is a good leader
he is disciplined
he is not one to complain
I can trust his judgement
he does the right thing even when he does not want to
he tries to please me
he is organized
I can tell him my deepest secret
he does not judge me
he respects my past and knows I don't live there anymore
he heals me
he knows the real me
he accepts me
he shares his deepest secrets, dreams and hopes with me alone
he loves to get his hands dirty
he is adventurous
he is dependable
he takes command
he can sweet talk me
he is a saver
he is a spender
he encourages me
he can fix anything
he knows when to call a repairman
he is a cutie
he is a snuggler
he asks my opinion
he is in awe at our children
he is committed to our marriage
he is realistic
he surprises me with flowers and gifts
he compliments me
he is a good guy
even when I am wrong he is still kind
he chooses his words gently when I am upset
he is consistent
he cooks
he can clean
he is my all around "Handy Man"
he has simple tastes
he is attracted to me and only me
he has a sweet smile
he is passionate
he does not makes excuses
he knows me
he is a great bug killer
he will help with the laundry
he touches me in all the right ways, and in all the right places
he loves me as we get older
he is a good man but he strives to be better
he values my job as a wife and mother
he is encouraging to our children
he does not belittle me or our children
his eyes does not stray
he does not cheat on me
he does not drink (too much)
he never does drugs (only the OTC ones)
he gets whats important in life
he would do anything to keep me smiling
he would lay down his life for me and our children
his arms are protective
he is strong
he is a beautiful man
he is a phenomenal lover
he would rather be with me and our children than any where else
he pursues a relationship with God
he rolls with the punches
he is a trusted friend
he would give a stranger the shirt off of his back
he is honest
he is not a showoff
he has "it" together
he is always prepared
he is a great provider
he sees thing to be done and does it
he is creative
he calls if he is running late
he is a great hugger
he gives good back rubs
he is happy to work behind the scenes
he makes me laugh
he has a good heart
his kisses leave me breathless
his love leave me weak for more
he is honorable
he takes out the garbage
when he makes decisions he considers the needs of our family first
he is irresistible
he is kind
he has my heart and knows how to handle it with care
he is respected at work
he is a great boss
he is a good employee
he is a man of his word
he desires to be the best husband and father he can be
he is a good companion
he chose me

One day … and hopefully soon … this man she already loves will be hers to keep ….










She hasn’t met him yet, but someday she will.

be kinder than necessary cause everyone you meet has there personal demons.





goodbye Whitney I will always love you

The only genuine love worthy of a name is unconditional.
~John Powell

“Letting go is one of the major cornerstones of being set free. Make a decision to release whatever is holding you back. Don’t hang on to anything that is not empowering you to move forward.”

~Sue Augustine

“The winds that sometimes take something we love, are the same that bring us something we learn to love. Therefore we should not cry about something that was taken from us, but, yes, love what we have been given. Because what is really ours is never gone forever.”
~Bob Marley

#nowPlaying: Jessica Simpson, I want to love you forever

"Helen, if I'm away from you for more than an hour, I can't stop thinking about you. I carry you in my spirit. I pray for you more than I pray for myself. I've got it so bad for you I'd... I'd go to the grocery store and buy your feminine products, I swear I would." - Orlando


*Diary of a Mad Black Woman

#nowPlaying: Anthony Hamilton, Coming from where I'm from

*Coach Carter

Breathe. Close your eyes, clear all thoughts and embrace the moment you are in. No need to worry about tomorrow or the next day, for you might miss the opportunities that are staring you dead in the eye.

A rich pure voice and a style that reflects his songs; easy going and so humble, nt to mention easy on the eyes. such an unforgettable performance; he took me through every emotion imaginable *goosebumps* Love Love Love John Legend a girl can stil "dream, dream, dream ...."

I have a date with John Legend tonight ...... hmmmmm "everybody knows, but nobody really knows"

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. [1 John 4:18-19]