he doesn't know it

... Whenever he calls me "sweety" I melt a little inside

... A tiny little "I'm sorry. It was my fault. Please forgive me" would squash everything between us

... I will never, ever be his, bear his children, or marry him. No matter what

... In the short time we were together I kinda fell for him *hard*

... I'd give him "carte blanc" in the bedroom, no commitment necessary

... He was my first true love

... I only use him for an ego boost

... While I play the friend role, I'm secretly waiting out his relationship

... If I didn't have him in my life I couldn't go on

Yesterday I Cried

Current mood: reflective

I came home, went straight to my room,
sat on the edge of my bed,
kicked off my shoes,
unhooked my bra,
and I had myself a good cry.I'm telling you,
I cried until my nose was running all over
the silk blouse I got on sale.
I cried until my ears were hot.
I cried until my head was hurting so bad
that I could hardly see the pile of
soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.I want you to understand,
I had myself a really good cry yesterday.Yesterday, I cried,
for all the days that I was too busy,
or too tired,
or too mad to cry.I cried for all the days, and all the ways,
and all the times I had dishonored,
disrespected, and
disconnected my Self from myself,
only to have it reflected back to me
in the ways others did to me
the same things I had already done to myself.I cried for all the things I had given,
only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that
had yet to show up;
for all the things I had accomplished,
only to give them away,
to people in circumstances,
which left me feeling empty,
and battered and plain old used.I cried because there really does
come a time when the only thing left
for you to do is cry.Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because little boys get
left by their daddies;
and little girls get forgotten by their mommies;
and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave;
and mommies get left, so they get mad.I cried because I had a little boy,
and because I was a little girl,
and because I was a mommy
who didn't know what to do,
and because I wanted my daddy to be there
for me so badly until I ached.Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because I hurt.
I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go
except deeper into the pain that
caused it in the first place,
and when it gets there,
the hurt wakes you up.I cried because it was too late.
I cried because it was time.I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know
that my soul knew everything I needed to know.I cried a soulful cry yesterday,
and it felt so good.It felt so very, very bad.In the midst of my crying,
I felt my freedom coming,
Because Yesterday,
I cried with an agenda.

Iyanla Vanzant
*****************************
This poem is an old favorite. Iyanla Vanzant also wrote a book by the same title. I've read this poem many times and each time I get something new from it, just like I did today when I read this poem for the ninth hundred thousandth time.

no accounting for taste ....

Current Mood: unAppreciated

When I cooked for you, you said I was way too sweet
When I suggested a book to you, you said I was way too deep
When I let you win a game, you said I played too weak
When I took you to a movie, you went straight to sleep..

When I greeted you with flowers, you said I was lame
When I walked you to your place, you said I was tame
When I treated you polite, you said, "Well, Drew's real nice.."
When I wrote you a letter, you said, "Who still writes?.."

When I prayed with you, you said I was too spiritual
When I called you everyday, you said I was too predictable
When I gave you what you wanted, you called me a sucker
When I told you that I loved you, you told me I was "like your
brother"..

When I made you a gift instead of buying one, you said I was cheap
When I straightened your room while you were gone, you called me a
neat freak
When I didn't wild out when I saw you talking to another dude,
you said I was too laidback for you
And when I didn't try to have sex the first time you came over,
you thought I must not be physically attracted to you..

When I shed tears in front of you, you called me a boo-hoo
When I didn't curse around you, you called me a goody-two-shoes
And when I said I thought the world of you, you said,
"I just don't think of you like that..
..oh, there's my other line; let me call you right back.."

So I suppose the ideal brother for you is:
An adventurously rude
Contemptuously crude
Politely mean
Excitably obscene
Sexually uncontrollable
Hardly holdable
Abruptly abusive
FUCKING LOSER
Who's too hardcore to cook
To dumb to read a book
Too "masculine" to cry
Too headstrong to apologize
Too busy "keeping it real" to be honest
Too unreliable to keep a promise
And too much of a villain
To give a fuck about your feelings..

I guess
There's just
No accounting
FOR TASTE..


© 2002, Drew Anderson, all rights reserved.

One That Got Away

Everybody has that one person that for whatever reason a relationship never really jump started and you are left wondering what if. ***sigh***

I miss my one that got away (I wonder if he thinks of me every now and then)

I wonder if it's possible that I might be someone’s “one that got away”