Choices -Bassy Ikpe

Trying to fall asleep 

confronted by the glow of a television 

at 3AM or 4AM or 5AM 

is difficult 

you cannot sleep comfortably here 

but your bedroom is just 

too lonely 

too far away 

too cold 

your heart 

it's beating too fast 

you are covered in a mist 

your own sweat 

and you are afraid 

of what's happening to your body 

to your emotions 

to your common sense 

so this is an open letter 

to the girl that you once were 

the one that loved without 

restrictions and conditions 

the one that was fearless 

without judgment 

the one that loved loudly 

like a thousand steel bands 

and danced with the feverish joy 

of a child just learning to appreciate her body 

her feet 

how they move 

how they feel 

how they carry 

remembering the voice 

your voice 

and how it never fit on the inside 

it existed within the full-throated shout of grown men 

outdoors amongst the trees 

skinned knees 

the freedom of dirt 

and mud 

and rain 

She is 25 now, that girl 

and after a quarter century of living 

and loving 

she has become lonely 

and scared 

harboring secrets 

and sadness 

wondering 

what happened to 18 

and innocent 

and sober 

and fearless 

But this isn't about that 

or her 

this is about hiding 

this is about choices 

about saying no 

when you mean yes 

this is about saying I'm afraid 

and lonely 

and sorry 

and meaning it 

this is about finally knowing what you want 

and having no idea how to get it 

this is about for once not hiding behind 

metaphors 

and similes 

and smiles 

and reconstructed laughter 

this is about honesty 

and truth 

and falling in love 

and meaning it 

This is about falling 

and love 

and leaving it 

this is about not knowing 

but mostly, this is about choices 

choices too difficult to take like 

leaving or loving 

choices too difficult to make like 

living or dying 

this is about confusion 

and contradiction 

a vegetarian who hates vegetables 

a size 2 who always tries on a size 8 

just in case something has changed 

this is about changes 

honoring them 

trusting them 

recognizing them 

and fearing them 

this is about never letting go 

so this is about letting go 

this is about looking him in the face 

saying I will fight for you 

protect you 

I swear to God 

This is about wanting someone to fight for you 

protect you 

swear to their God 

This is about knowing that he won't 

and still finding the strength to leave 

so this is about fatigue 

and being tired of being there 

when no one seems to be there for you 

this is about knowing who is 

who will leave you alone 

who will beg you to stay 

and those who know the difference 

This is about truth 

the ones you keep hidden about yourself 

from yourself 

this is about the mess you've made of a life 

you haven't even really started to own yet 

this is about the friends you can't share the scary parts with 

so maybe, this is about secrets 

about the pills hidden in your underwear drawer 

about 4 hours in the gym 

about 2 weeks of only water and powers 

so this is about shame 

about finally admitting that things aren't okay 

this is about the fear lodged in the pit of your belly 

the fear that gives you 

weight 

wings 

the fear rising with the lump in your throat 

this is about crying in public 

and hiding the tears 

this is about wanting to jump 

and your fear of heights 

this is about your need to soar 

and the ropes that keep you grounded 

and expectations 

and disappointments 

this is about the sadness behind your mother's eyes 

the worry in your father's voice 

this is about walking away 

and not looking back 

this is about looking back 

and facing the mirror 

this is about being naked 

with your truths 

with your family 

with your friends 

with your lovers 

this is about saying 

now that you know the truth 

will you please just love me anyway? 

this is about safety 

about reaching out begging to be heard 

it's about voices 

and words 

that no longer comfort 

this is about humility 

and admitting that you need help 

and sleep 

and permission to cry 

despite the strength you are often accused of 

this is about the walls that you've built 

to trap 

and protect 

this is about those brave enough to scale those walls 

those that battle for you 

against you 

to knock them down 

this is about relinquishing control 

it's about taking a breath 

stepping back 

It's about 3AM, 4AM, 5AM, 

6AM, 7AM, 8AM, 9AM 

still no sleep 

the glow of a television 

you 

bathed in sweat 

tears 

the mystery of silence 

solitude 

the need for noise 

the quiet that confines you 

and the chaos 

that will always 

keep you 

moving