there clearly dating but neither one wants to define it or say it out loud (don't want to jinx it) .... sounds familiar

Our intimacy feels so familiar, so right, so real Its where we want to be Its where we were meant to be Its what we both need however when its time to leave - you've never asked me to stay. "Its because of Her" you say "Her?" (blank stare/mass confusion) "Yes there has always been a Her" (Light bulb, blonde moment) that's why you've never asked me to stay. Fck you

truth is

I make mistakes. I have flaws. My being is comprised of imperfections. They are buried deep within me. I am insecure, and complex, and fragile, and sensitive. I desperately hope that no one can tell. Some mornings I am self conscious and look at my body with disapproval and disdain. I hide my gap toothed smile. I cross my arms so you can not see the way I have chewed my nails almost to the bone. I am anxious. I spend lots of time in the darkness and lurking in my own shadows. I am… afraid. On occasion, I am not brave. I do not possess the strength you assume. I sometimes say the wrong things. I avoid sharing the concealed parts of me. I cry…a lot. I won’t admit it, but some nights I just want to fall in love. I am confused, and frustrated, and lost and discouraged. I am often worried about the future and sometimes resentful of the past. I am abstract. I am intense. I am depthless; yet shallow. I am courageous; yet fearful. I am loud; yet unheard. I am beautiful; yet offensive. I am gathered; but in shambles. I am chaos. I am order. I am all of these things and none. I am a contradiction. I am a woman. I am only human. I am me and my beauty lies in the simplicity of my complexity. (www.themoxiemodus.com)

I pity the woman who will love you when I am done. She will show up to your first date with a dustpan and broom, ready to pick up all the pieces I left you in. She will hear my name so often it will begin to dig holes in her. That is where doubt will grow. She will look at your neck, your thin hips, your mouth, wondering at the way I touched you. She will make you all the promises I did and some I never could. She will hear only the terrible stories. How I drank. How I lied. She will wonder (as I have) how someone as wonderful as you could love a monster like the woman who came before her. Still, she will compete with my ghost. She will understand why you do not look in the back of closets. Why you are afraid of what’s under the bed. She will know every corner of you is haunted by me. Clementine von Radics

running ...

Because I always feel like running Not away, because there is no such place Because, if there was I would have found it by now Because it's easier to run Easier than staying and finding out you're the only one Who didn't run Because running will be the way your life and mine Will be described As in "the long run" Or as in having given someone a "run for his money" Or as in "running out of time" Because running makes me look like everyone else Though I hope there will never be cause for that Because I will be running in the other direction Not running for cover Because if I knew where cover was I would stay there and never have to run for it Not running for my life Because I have to be running for something of more value To be running and not in fear Because the thing I fear cannot be escaped Eluded, avoided, hidden from, protected from, gotten away from Not without showing the fear as I see it now Because closer, clearer, no sir, nearer Because you of you and because of that nice That you quietly, quickly be causing And because you're going to see me run soon And because you're going to know why I'm running then You'll know then Because I'm not going to tell you now ― Gil Scott-Heron, Now and Then...

wherever I go I be looking for him ... love and light

and those are my issues

I know I'm easy going and a lot laid back ... not to make up excuses but past experiences, insecurities, uncertainties, disappointments and most of all fear - fear of failure, fear of criticism; have left a bitter taste in my mouth when it comes to a "love love relationship" I had gotten into a routine that I was quite comfortable with. now that I've found myself here, I'm just a bit hesitant, reluctant and scared. those are my issues.

Love is an action … yet some people still refer to its power as a noun …

for women who are 'difficult' to love. ~ Warsan Shire

You are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

 1. There’s a reason schools teach Shakespeare instead of John Green; you make your own life, it’s not written in the stars, waiting to start until you find that person with the perfect smile
2. People are a hell of a lot smart than you think. Shut your mouth, stop thinking you know everything, and listen.

3. Getting close and being vulnerable is scary as hell, But you know what else it is? Worth it.

4. Reason really is the doctor to love.

5. The moment you feel your happiness being dictated by another person, take a break from them.

6. Take a step back and look around, you have more friends than you think.

7. Growing up is going to happen and it’s going to be tough. Just stay close to those around you, you’re all in it together.

8. If you’re still checking their Facebook/Instagram/tumblr, you’re never going to get over them.

9. Everything seems worse in the morning. Don’t fall for it, it’s deceiving.

10. No need to be so intense all the time. People get tired of swimming in the deep end, sometimes they need a break in the shallow part of the pool.

11. Stop avoiding everything. Get out of bed, get dressed, go to school, go to work. It sucks at first but it’s part of the healing process.

12. If the person makes you feel like shit and you still go back to them, it’s an abusive relationship.

13. Headphones are great, but listen to music aloud every once in a while. Sometimes you need to scream a song so everyone can hear you.

14. Boundaries are a must.

15. You can be a caring person, but you need to be happy with yourself before you try to make others happy.

16. Try and understand other’s intentions and situation before you get angry with them.

17. Tough love is necessary sometimes.

18. You can’t fix people no matter how hard you try. Get this engrained in your mind.

19. Surround yourself with people who will love and support you.

20. Loneliness is lethal and makes you have a distorted view of things.

21. No one hates you more than you hate yourself. Stop being your own enemy.

22. Someone can only hurt your feelings if you allow them to.

23. Getting your shit back in order is five times as hard as it is to mess it all up.

24. Listen to your parent’s advice.

25. Be open to anything and everything. Life isn’t fun when you’re a closed book.

26. Talking about your problems is great, but there comes a point when talking about it becomes dwelling on the past and it drains everyone around you. Know when you’ve hit this point.

27. A lot of people don’t like their shit showing. More people than you know are going through hard times.

28. Distract yourself.

29. Don’t be so easily swayed, a lot of claims out there are not true.

30. Some seasons of your life are harder than others. This too shall pass. 


30 Things I Learned During the 30 Worst Days of my Life: November 2013

thick skin

Why do I need to get all bent out of shape when someone says something to me that I don’t like? When someone questions my behavior or intentions? My peace of mind should not be dependent on being understood by others. 

I mean, it’s nice to be understood, but I don’t want to need that approval in order to feel content with myself.

I need to stop being so defensive and "breathe it all in, love it all out"

GGR

pinch and a punch its the first of the month

1st of January
Said you starting over ....

“later that night
i held an atlas in my lap
ran my fingers across the whole world
and whispered
where does it hurt?

it answered
everywhere"

 

warsan shire

What if you didn’t run? This one time. What if you stayed, and let love overtake you?

Now playing: Beneath your Beautiful, Labrinth ft Emeli Sande

“You let all the girls go.
Makes you feel good, don’t it?
Behind your Broadway show,
I heard a boy say, “Please don’t hurt me.” – Emeli Sande

A Man and Woman desperate to fall in love, but both afraid of love and what love offers asks the question to see “beneath the beautiful” and “beneath the perfect"

Take off your guard and drop the armour - It’s a sexy tongue in cheek song because it’s not about sex alone - It’s a plea for intimacy … that will eventually lead to whatever love and life will offer when you succumb

Afternoon rendezvous (haiku)

she discreetly slips through
the door. No explanations
except her secret smile

Is that really too much to ask for?

I'm not looking to get fucked and throwed out like yesterdays garbage; I want a meaningful relationship something long lasting and worth the trip.

I want someone where we can have an open and honest relationship where trust and respect demands full attention.

I want someone who will not make me insecure to please his own ego; who respects me enough to be able to talk to me about any and everything and doesn't need to seek endless attention from other women.

I want someone who is faithful and committed enough to be in a
monogamous relationship.

I want someone who will only have eyes for me I want that kind of love that when I walk into the room he sees me in color and the other women just fade to black and white.

I want someone who will be there for me (emotionally, mentally and physically) and if I happen to have a flat tire he drops everything and comes to my rescue.

I want a super hero.

I want someone who is romantic and spontaneous and do sweet little things "just because".

I want someone who doesn't make promises he can't keep, he is reliable and dependable, and he doesn't blame others for his failures or mistakes.

I want someone who is forward-thinking and plans ahead for his immediate and distant future.

I want someone to realize that once he's made that decision to be with me he also has to consider my 2 kids - that we three we're a complete package and although they don't need a father they do need that positive strong role model to emulate and to love their mother unconditionally.


~C.Ann M. Graham
circa September 2009

I beg you don't give yourself to any and everyone ....

I beg you don't give yourself to any and everyone ....

on a Dopamine high

"a happy life isnt about chasing a man or even having a man ... a happy life is about being the best woman you can be"