It's crazy how you can go months or years without talking to someone but they still cross your mind everyday.

Love that we can not have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest...

10th grade

As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

11th grade
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Senior year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Graduation Day
A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

A Few Years Later
Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Funeral
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too...` I thought to my self, and I cried.

~author unkown~

Experience has shown me that if you know it’s never coming, or even if you have your suspicions .. take some time to really consider what it is you’re waiting for and the overall importance in your entire life.

I could have saved my heart and mind for some of the most traumatic ‘ish I’ve ever been through.

There are very few regrets in my life, and that mess was one of them. I wish I’d had the sense to stop waiting.

But yet I continue to wait.

I don't have to see you or talk to you every day; I just want to know that you're “there”

“If you’re silent about your pain, they will kill you and say you enjoyed it.”

Sometimes we begin to fall for the person who has been our rock during a hard time, someone we have known for years, someone that we feel comfortable with for various reasons such as: they have respected boundaries and really stuck around without any expectations other than to just be there for you when all you needed was a friend, they know some of your best and worst qualities and still want to be around you, they have heard the stories both good and bad and do not pass judgment on you, and they are already familiar with your personality strengths and weakness and understand you pretty well, so it is not surprising that one day you might wake up and see your friend in a new light.

So what now?


“To think, all those years of dating the wrong guys and the right one was under your nose the whole time”

in these moments when it's hard to breathe when words are caught in my throat and my chest is tight with tears when shaving my head and lighting a cigarette all seem like good ideas when my own fabulousness eludes me there is nothing to do and nowhere to go and i just sit in it hazel eyes and all.

To the one who got away …..

I’m sorry.

My argument, this fight; what I’m going through has little to nothing to do with you or us. I just don’t know how to balance both you and this road block in my life.

I think it would be selfish of me to ask you for time.

Time to sort out this drama that replays constantly in my head.

Time for me to come to terms and eventually put the drama and all the negativity to rest.

Each and every day I try to make some sense of this.

I hope I’m not being out of order by asking you not to totally give up on me

..On us

What can I do to make you see that you’re the only one for me.

I know I’m a jerk and should have known better.

I’m sorry.