do you have a date for Valentines day? .... yes its the 14th of February

its not going to happen.

he's not going to come over today and pull out the toys to play, or ask for something to drink, he won't help me pick up the toys or wipe up the drink he spilled. he's not going to ask me with his curious self "what are you doing"

I keep remembering that it's not going to happen. and every single time, the remembering makes me sad.

R.I.P. Aiden Cupid

"People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt, & you hear them cryin'. Can you practice what you preach? And would you turn the other cheek? Father, Father, Father help us! Send some guidance from above. 'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love?"

~Black Eyed Peas, Where Is The Love~

345 Pride

When will this madness end on this sleepy little island that time forgot? Five people dead and One injured in less than 10 days.

I wish ...

… I was as bold and brave as I used to be, when we first met.


… That I wouldn't have let him stump so hard on my heroic shell, shattering it all into pieces.


… he would just tell me that he isn’t in love with me, the way he used to be or perhaps not even at all.


… he could accept the fact that I’m just not like everyone else. I can’t/won’t just do because … because he says so.


… that I could put aside the fact that yes I have a good man but seemingly just not good enough … at least not for me.


… I could rewind time and not have any children so that I would never have to communicate with him ever again.


… that he would simply leave me.


… that he could simply agree that this … just is not working … and walk away gracefully.


****They say watch what you ask for, Cause you just might receive ... But if you ask me tomorrow ... I will say the same thing****

life as I see it ...

the highest point in my life; was the birth of my first son; for a split second he made my relationship with "him' feel like it was worth holding on ...

the lowest point in my life; is that i've lost control of who i am and strayed from that strong person that i use to be; by allowing my relationship with "him" to define who i am as a person ...

in these moments when it's hard to breathe when words are caught in my throat and my chest is tight with tears when shaving my head and lighting a cigarette all seem like good ideas when my own fabulousness eludes me there is nothing to do and nowhere to go and i just sit in it hazel eyes and all.

#nowPlaying: Monica, So Gone

"I'm no rowdy chick .... kick down your doors and smack your chick"