pinch and a punch its the first of the month

1st of January
Said you starting over ....

“later that night
i held an atlas in my lap
ran my fingers across the whole world
and whispered
where does it hurt?

it answered
everywhere"

 

warsan shire

What if you didn’t run? This one time. What if you stayed, and let love overtake you?

Now playing: Beneath your Beautiful, Labrinth ft Emeli Sande

“You let all the girls go.
Makes you feel good, don’t it?
Behind your Broadway show,
I heard a boy say, “Please don’t hurt me.” – Emeli Sande

A Man and Woman desperate to fall in love, but both afraid of love and what love offers asks the question to see “beneath the beautiful” and “beneath the perfect"

Take off your guard and drop the armour - It’s a sexy tongue in cheek song because it’s not about sex alone - It’s a plea for intimacy … that will eventually lead to whatever love and life will offer when you succumb

Afternoon rendezvous (haiku)

she discreetly slips through
the door. No explanations
except her secret smile

Is that really too much to ask for?

I'm not looking to get fucked and throwed out like yesterdays garbage; I want a meaningful relationship something long lasting and worth the trip.

I want someone where we can have an open and honest relationship where trust and respect demands full attention.

I want someone who will not make me insecure to please his own ego; who respects me enough to be able to talk to me about any and everything and doesn't need to seek endless attention from other women.

I want someone who is faithful and committed enough to be in a
monogamous relationship.

I want someone who will only have eyes for me I want that kind of love that when I walk into the room he sees me in color and the other women just fade to black and white.

I want someone who will be there for me (emotionally, mentally and physically) and if I happen to have a flat tire he drops everything and comes to my rescue.

I want a super hero.

I want someone who is romantic and spontaneous and do sweet little things "just because".

I want someone who doesn't make promises he can't keep, he is reliable and dependable, and he doesn't blame others for his failures or mistakes.

I want someone who is forward-thinking and plans ahead for his immediate and distant future.

I want someone to realize that once he's made that decision to be with me he also has to consider my 2 kids - that we three we're a complete package and although they don't need a father they do need that positive strong role model to emulate and to love their mother unconditionally.


~C.Ann M. Graham
circa September 2009

I beg you don't give yourself to any and everyone ....

I beg you don't give yourself to any and everyone ....

on a Dopamine high

"a happy life isnt about chasing a man or even having a man ... a happy life is about being the best woman you can be"

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.  ~Maya Angelou

Remember this because it will happen many times in your life. When people show you who they are the first time believe them. Not the 29th. time. When a man doesn't call you back the first time, when you are mistreated the first time, when someone shows you lack of integrity or dishonesty the first time, know that this will be followed many many other times, that will some point in life come back to haunt or hurt you. Live your life in truth. Don't pretend to be someone your not. You will survive anything if you live your life from the point of view of truth.”



― Oprah Winfrey

Now Playing: Beautiful, Mariah Carey ft Miguel

#nowplaying: Emeli Sandé - Next To Me

"you will find him, you'll find him next to me"




You won't find him drinking under tables


Rolling dice or staying out til 3

You won't ever find him be unfaithful

You will find him, you'll find him next to me



You won't find him tryna to change the devil

For money, fame, for power, out of greed

You won't ever find him where the rest go

You will find him, you'll find him next to me



Next to me - wooh hooo

Next to me - wooh hooo

Next to me - wooh hooo

You will find him, you'll find him next to me



When the money's spent and all my friends have vanished

And I can't seem to find no help or love for free

I know there's no need for me to panic

'Cause I'll find him, I'll find him next to me



When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing

And the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe

When all I need's a hand to stop the tears from falling

I will find him, I'll find him next to me



Next to me - wooh hooo

Next to me - wooh hooo

Next to me - wooh hooo

I will find him, I'll find him next to me



When the end has come and buildings falling down fast

When we've spoilt the land and dried up all the sea

When everyone has lost their heads around us

You will find him, you'll find him next to me



Next to me - wooh hooo

Next to me - wooh hooo

Next to me - wooh hooo

You will find him, you'll find him next to me



Next to me - wooh hooo

Next to me - wooh hooo

Next to me - wooh hooo

You will find him you'll find him next to me

Letter to my 25 year old self, at 35


Be too focused on improving yourself, that you don’t have time to criticize others. Credit cards are evil. Talk is cheap. There is always, always something to be thankFull for. There is no soul mate. The One is The One because you say he is The One. Life is what you make of it. Everything happens for a reason. Tragedy happens. life can be cruel and heart wrenching. Some souls will collide and mistakes are bound to happen. Believe it or not, you reserve the right to cut people off when they start to corrupt the peaceful ambiance that is your life. You are extremely Blessed.  SING off key. Sometimes you know you shouldn’t do “it” … and that’s exactly why you should. Make it a point to be encouraging as possible, as much as possible to everyone as possible. If a married man tries to French Kiss you, it is definitely out of bounds. Burn your to do list.  Get out more, socialize, meet new people. Don’t take it personally, especially when they don’t know you personally. Continue to “Be kinder than necessary”. Your heart…your heart…your heart is where it’s at. Be generous with your time. The race is long and in the end its only against your self. Be less critical with your words. Love all, love always. Don’t look back EVER. Enter. Leave. You will exercise, you will eat right, you will eat wrong, you will lose weight, you will gain weight. you will get gray hair. You will feel frumpy at times. Remember you are beautiful. Fall in love. with yourself. with him. You can be anything you want in the world…. Just don’t be ungrateful. Don’t let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace. BECAUSE LIFE IS SHORT.

I'm over you - Aulelei Love

I used to stretch my body and think of you. 

Long enough to feel guilty, 

But never long enough to consider anything beyond the thought. 

But today, during the sun salutation 

When my spine lengthened 

Your heat wasn't there. 

I had to struggle to summon your memory. 

The width of you, 

The enclosed feeling I lived in when smothered underneath your laughter at midnight, 

Your sweat, 

The way your pupils disappear when you smile. 

I fought myself to remember you this morning because 

I realize that saying goodbye to you means 

I have to say goodbye to some of my best memories 

My greatest stories 

The heartache that inspires my best work 

The bitterness that had made me a wonderful mother 

Badu's 'green eyes' will no longer evoke sobs 

Soul food menus will never make me blush or giggle behind closed eyelids again 

I'm closing your door 

The one that I had placed a piece of paper over the lock so it wouldn't shut completely 

The door I oiled the hinges to so you can sneak back in without notice 

This is good bye...

Choices -Bassy Ikpe

Trying to fall asleep 

confronted by the glow of a television 

at 3AM or 4AM or 5AM 

is difficult 

you cannot sleep comfortably here 

but your bedroom is just 

too lonely 

too far away 

too cold 

your heart 

it's beating too fast 

you are covered in a mist 

your own sweat 

and you are afraid 

of what's happening to your body 

to your emotions 

to your common sense 

so this is an open letter 

to the girl that you once were 

the one that loved without 

restrictions and conditions 

the one that was fearless 

without judgment 

the one that loved loudly 

like a thousand steel bands 

and danced with the feverish joy 

of a child just learning to appreciate her body 

her feet 

how they move 

how they feel 

how they carry 

remembering the voice 

your voice 

and how it never fit on the inside 

it existed within the full-throated shout of grown men 

outdoors amongst the trees 

skinned knees 

the freedom of dirt 

and mud 

and rain 

She is 25 now, that girl 

and after a quarter century of living 

and loving 

she has become lonely 

and scared 

harboring secrets 

and sadness 

wondering 

what happened to 18 

and innocent 

and sober 

and fearless 

But this isn't about that 

or her 

this is about hiding 

this is about choices 

about saying no 

when you mean yes 

this is about saying I'm afraid 

and lonely 

and sorry 

and meaning it 

this is about finally knowing what you want 

and having no idea how to get it 

this is about for once not hiding behind 

metaphors 

and similes 

and smiles 

and reconstructed laughter 

this is about honesty 

and truth 

and falling in love 

and meaning it 

This is about falling 

and love 

and leaving it 

this is about not knowing 

but mostly, this is about choices 

choices too difficult to take like 

leaving or loving 

choices too difficult to make like 

living or dying 

this is about confusion 

and contradiction 

a vegetarian who hates vegetables 

a size 2 who always tries on a size 8 

just in case something has changed 

this is about changes 

honoring them 

trusting them 

recognizing them 

and fearing them 

this is about never letting go 

so this is about letting go 

this is about looking him in the face 

saying I will fight for you 

protect you 

I swear to God 

This is about wanting someone to fight for you 

protect you 

swear to their God 

This is about knowing that he won't 

and still finding the strength to leave 

so this is about fatigue 

and being tired of being there 

when no one seems to be there for you 

this is about knowing who is 

who will leave you alone 

who will beg you to stay 

and those who know the difference 

This is about truth 

the ones you keep hidden about yourself 

from yourself 

this is about the mess you've made of a life 

you haven't even really started to own yet 

this is about the friends you can't share the scary parts with 

so maybe, this is about secrets 

about the pills hidden in your underwear drawer 

about 4 hours in the gym 

about 2 weeks of only water and powers 

so this is about shame 

about finally admitting that things aren't okay 

this is about the fear lodged in the pit of your belly 

the fear that gives you 

weight 

wings 

the fear rising with the lump in your throat 

this is about crying in public 

and hiding the tears 

this is about wanting to jump 

and your fear of heights 

this is about your need to soar 

and the ropes that keep you grounded 

and expectations 

and disappointments 

this is about the sadness behind your mother's eyes 

the worry in your father's voice 

this is about walking away 

and not looking back 

this is about looking back 

and facing the mirror 

this is about being naked 

with your truths 

with your family 

with your friends 

with your lovers 

this is about saying 

now that you know the truth 

will you please just love me anyway? 

this is about safety 

about reaching out begging to be heard 

it's about voices 

and words 

that no longer comfort 

this is about humility 

and admitting that you need help 

and sleep 

and permission to cry 

despite the strength you are often accused of 

this is about the walls that you've built 

to trap 

and protect 

this is about those brave enough to scale those walls 

those that battle for you 

against you 

to knock them down 

this is about relinquishing control 

it's about taking a breath 

stepping back 

It's about 3AM, 4AM, 5AM, 

6AM, 7AM, 8AM, 9AM 

still no sleep 

the glow of a television 

you 

bathed in sweat 

tears 

the mystery of silence 

solitude 

the need for noise 

the quiet that confines you 

and the chaos 

that will always 

keep you 

moving

Hello May,

It's been a while, I'm not who I was before ...


You look surprised,

sometimes

sometimes i need the same understanding and leeway i give others sometimes i need a raincheck not pressure sometimes i need someone to ask how i feel sometimes i need basic consideration sometimes i need a little lead time sometimes i need others to realize it's not about them sometimes i need someone to care...really care sometimes i need to be compensated with love sometimes i need help not more friggin' work sometimes i need to purge emotions and fatigue sometimes i just need....damn! moxee

Take this savoury tangerine sunset, hold it in your hands and splash it on your sadness ....

I saw you the other day … and it dawned on me that I don’t remember us ever saying goodbye, but I know that you’re gone and I miss our friendship. I wish that it didn’t have to end on such a sour sucky note but it did, I guess its true what they say everything has its season and reason.

The void our friendship left had me broken and I felt totally abandoned, (only for a minute) but I’m also a stronger paerson today because of the knowledge you’ve left with me, you’ve showed me there’s nothing I couldn’t do, be or have once I put my mind to it.

I only called today to say Thank You for the lessons learned, and I’ve appreciated each moment and valued our time - I wish you all the best that life and love will offer you.

Goodbye, unspoken words



*sending you love and light, now I'mma drop it

Dear Life,

Thank You that curiosity is endless