WIFE, WOMAN, FRIEND

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that my beginning was his end. After all, we were just friends. Although in my world I was his girl, so I would pretend to be his wife. Saying sh*t like, "there's only so many years in a woman's life". Right, so I gave him three.

Yet he had the audacity to step to me on this Donnell Jones "I don't know where I wanna be" type sh*t. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He hit me with the forehead kiss. told me life was a journey and he was ready to explore this sh*t, and I was pissed.

To me he was a hypocrite like a fake preacher in the pulpit and he left me sick, and no he didn’t choose me, but that doesn’t make him right nor wrong.

And just because he was the epitome of my life that doesn't make me wrong nor right. Like I said I was his friend and not his wife. And I should've acted within that capacity. And maybe then this breakup would've been "just one of those things". Instead of a f**king tragedy.

And all the time I spent mad at him hell I should've been mad at me. After all I was the one that gave him the key to my house, and Let him hang clothes in my closet just in case we go out. Not to mention washing all his dirty clothes just to make a "full load". And let him finish off all the leftovers just so the food don't go old.

For the times that we raw-dogged cause he "lost all the rubbers". And though I showed him more support than his own father, brother, sister, and mother and just 'cause those same people dial my number when they're trying to stay get touch. And he received mail at my address "cause he be here so much".

Got total control of the remote control to the TV, DVD, and radio And even though his name is not on my lease got sh*t in my house that is off limits to me like his side of my bed and his stash of weed.

But none of this obligates him to me because not once did we exchange vows. And If I knew then, what I know now, I probably would've listened, when he said it was some sh*t that he needed to get out his system. But I was too busy bitchin', jumpin' bad like I was gonna hit him. And in the back of my mind all I could fathom was how much I was gonna miss him. But just because I'm cryin' don't mean I'm the victim, it's just that I was too scared to let him go 'cause some other chick might get him.

And that was my fault, it was my decision I should've never put my heart in my mind's position. But I couldn't shake him--he was like a bad habit. And all this for a nigga that was just average, doing average nigga sh*t Like talking out the side of his neck and thinking with his d*ck.

But, I must admit he's the one I wanted to commit to. Either I wasn't living up to my potential, or I was just the average chick. But I chose to believe that I was a woman caught up in a feeling. Both physical and emotional, who was way too willing to give her all to a man. And though it may sound stupid, guess what? I would do it all again. Just next time for my husband and not a nigga I call my friend.

~I didn't write this..~Dana Gilmore~ did..a respected poet that I love..I wanted to put this up here so other women could read it and maybe learn from it..~