life as I see it ...
the highest point in my life; was the birth of my first son; for a split second he made my relationship with "him' feel like it was worth holding on ...
the lowest point in my life; is that i've lost control of who i am and strayed from that strong person that i use to be; by allowing my relationship with "him" to define who i am as a person ...
the lowest point in my life; is that i've lost control of who i am and strayed from that strong person that i use to be; by allowing my relationship with "him" to define who i am as a person ...
Crush on you
So I was on Facebook the other day and I got a friend request from someone I went to middle/early high school with a gazillion years ago. We exchanged the usual "What have you been up to/cute kids/what do you do now/where are you living" pleasantries.
He blurted out that he had a crush on me since hi school (((Giggling))) umm ok then ... I had to reread it twice to make sure I understood what was written.
He said some things that he remembered about me from waaaaaaaaaaaay back then that the only way he would have paid that much attention was if he WAS crushing me.
Wow ... who knew ... That just goes to show you never know WHOSE type you are ….
He blurted out that he had a crush on me since hi school (((Giggling))) umm ok then ... I had to reread it twice to make sure I understood what was written.
He said some things that he remembered about me from waaaaaaaaaaaay back then that the only way he would have paid that much attention was if he WAS crushing me.
Wow ... who knew ... That just goes to show you never know WHOSE type you are ….
know love
“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life." Bob Marley-
He should know that...
"You aren't going to be her 1st, her last, or her only... she's loved before; and she will love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect -and you're not either. If she can make you laugh and if she admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to her and give her the most you can. She's not going to be thinking about you every moment of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows YOU can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad and miss her when she's not there. Because perfect girls don't exist, but there's always ONE girl that is perfect for you."
-Anonymous
on wet pavement
his eyes were the first to betray the calm demeanor he was trying to convince her he possessed.
his eyes.
seemed like the devil himself had slithered beneath the rain-soaked cement, slipped into the soles of his $500 Prada shoes, inhabited his body, and now rested, quietly demented in his eyes.
those eyes told her feet to move. she couldn't though. she didn't.
she was frozen. stood still as if a statue had been erected and taken her place, the only sign of life the heavy tears forcing their way forward. for a split second she saw them like they used to be, smiles abounding, love filling their every pore.
was it possible for a six week relationship to have a 'used to be'?
for some, six weeks might have seemed far too short a time to have met, fell in love, become engaged and purchased a home, but for them it was as natural as the wind gently blowing through the trees.
he was perfect. any swoon-worthy quality a woman could dream up, he possessed. tall, handsome, sensitive, strong, attentive, very gainfully employed as a highly regarded FBI agent. and the sex. at the mere thought of their passionate bedroom acts, her brain would cue up that "Best I Ever Had" song by that Degrassi kid. although she wasn't sure if this was a testament to her fiance, or the fact that the song had been over-saturating every radio wave for the last month.
her friends had warned her of the possibles. maybe he was unstable. maybe he was already married. suggested she take her time, not accept a key to his home after seven days of knowing him. all pretending to be happy for her, and yet all secretly thinking that this just couldn't be real. they dubbed him Mr. Too Good To Be True.
haters.
his mouth was moving, angrily. she tried to hear him above the ire ringing in her ears, but only caught key words. bitch. hoe. triflin.
she heard those loudly. clearly. saw the spittle droplets fling forcefully from his bottom lip and become obscure on the wet ground. she looked down at her left hand. the diamond engagement ring shone against the lone streetlight, proving it was worthy of its $15,000 price tag.
her mouth curved into a nostalgic smile, as the day returned to her when he'd choked out the words "i want to marry you." he was so nervous that day. so full of love for her. so genuinely happy when she'd kissed his mouth and said yes. her smile curved a little more.
she looked back up at him, those eyes still telling her he was at the brink.
her own were cloudy. could barely see through the tears. she didn't bother looking down at her hand again, just kept her stare on his dilated pupils. those dark irises, glaring at her, daring her to make any sudden move.
she looked down at the spot on his waist where she knew his gun resided. the gun he had a legal right to carry wherever he went. the gun he wasn't supposed to have on him while intoxicated. she knew every nut, bolt and curve as if it were her own.
she thought about earlier that evening, when she'd suggested he leave his 'baby' at home. this was a celebratory night. he would be drunk before eleven. he'd laughed at her. he never went anywhere without it.
she smiled again.
"fuck you. and fuck this ring."
in one swift motion, she slipped the ring off and threw it with all her might, into the darkness of the parking lot. fuck him. the alcohol polluting her blood stream told her she meant it with everything inside her.
something snapped. broke loose. those eyes raged, turned dark.
the first blow found her face on the ground, the dirty pavement kissing up at her aggressively. she turned over, saw that familiar steel. saw those raging eyes. tried to close her's and envision a nice summer's day. didn't want those aphotic irises to be the last thing she saw.
she was too late.
she's so flyy: on wet pavement
his eyes.
seemed like the devil himself had slithered beneath the rain-soaked cement, slipped into the soles of his $500 Prada shoes, inhabited his body, and now rested, quietly demented in his eyes.
those eyes told her feet to move. she couldn't though. she didn't.
she was frozen. stood still as if a statue had been erected and taken her place, the only sign of life the heavy tears forcing their way forward. for a split second she saw them like they used to be, smiles abounding, love filling their every pore.
was it possible for a six week relationship to have a 'used to be'?
for some, six weeks might have seemed far too short a time to have met, fell in love, become engaged and purchased a home, but for them it was as natural as the wind gently blowing through the trees.
he was perfect. any swoon-worthy quality a woman could dream up, he possessed. tall, handsome, sensitive, strong, attentive, very gainfully employed as a highly regarded FBI agent. and the sex. at the mere thought of their passionate bedroom acts, her brain would cue up that "Best I Ever Had" song by that Degrassi kid. although she wasn't sure if this was a testament to her fiance, or the fact that the song had been over-saturating every radio wave for the last month.
her friends had warned her of the possibles. maybe he was unstable. maybe he was already married. suggested she take her time, not accept a key to his home after seven days of knowing him. all pretending to be happy for her, and yet all secretly thinking that this just couldn't be real. they dubbed him Mr. Too Good To Be True.
haters.
his mouth was moving, angrily. she tried to hear him above the ire ringing in her ears, but only caught key words. bitch. hoe. triflin.
she heard those loudly. clearly. saw the spittle droplets fling forcefully from his bottom lip and become obscure on the wet ground. she looked down at her left hand. the diamond engagement ring shone against the lone streetlight, proving it was worthy of its $15,000 price tag.
her mouth curved into a nostalgic smile, as the day returned to her when he'd choked out the words "i want to marry you." he was so nervous that day. so full of love for her. so genuinely happy when she'd kissed his mouth and said yes. her smile curved a little more.
she looked back up at him, those eyes still telling her he was at the brink.
her own were cloudy. could barely see through the tears. she didn't bother looking down at her hand again, just kept her stare on his dilated pupils. those dark irises, glaring at her, daring her to make any sudden move.
she looked down at the spot on his waist where she knew his gun resided. the gun he had a legal right to carry wherever he went. the gun he wasn't supposed to have on him while intoxicated. she knew every nut, bolt and curve as if it were her own.
she thought about earlier that evening, when she'd suggested he leave his 'baby' at home. this was a celebratory night. he would be drunk before eleven. he'd laughed at her. he never went anywhere without it.
she smiled again.
"fuck you. and fuck this ring."
in one swift motion, she slipped the ring off and threw it with all her might, into the darkness of the parking lot. fuck him. the alcohol polluting her blood stream told her she meant it with everything inside her.
something snapped. broke loose. those eyes raged, turned dark.
the first blow found her face on the ground, the dirty pavement kissing up at her aggressively. she turned over, saw that familiar steel. saw those raging eyes. tried to close her's and envision a nice summer's day. didn't want those aphotic irises to be the last thing she saw.
she was too late.
she's so flyy: on wet pavement
I Feared......
I feared being alone
Until I learned to like Myself.
I feared failure
Until I realized that I only Fail when I don't try.
I feared success
Until I realized That I had to try In order to be happy With myself.
I feared people's opinions
Until I learned that People would have opinions About me anyway.
I feared rejection
Until I learned to Have faith in myself.
I feared pain
Until I learned that it's necessary For growth.
I feared the truth
Until I saw the Ugliness in lies.
I feared life
Until I experienced Its beauty.
I feared death
Until I realized that it's Not an end, but a beginning.
I feared my destiny
Until I realized that I had the power to change My life.
I feared hate
Until I saw that it Was nothing more than Ignorance.
I feared love
Until it touched my heart, Making the darkness fade Into endless sunny days.
I feared ridicule
Until I learned how To laugh at myself.
I feared growing old
Until I realized that I gained wisdom every day.
I feared the future
Until I realized that Life just kept getting Better.
I feared the past
Until I realized that It could no longer hurt me.
I feared the dark
Until I saw the beauty Of the starlight
Until I learned to like Myself.
I feared failure
Until I realized that I only Fail when I don't try.
I feared success
Until I realized That I had to try In order to be happy With myself.
I feared people's opinions
Until I learned that People would have opinions About me anyway.
I feared rejection
Until I learned to Have faith in myself.
I feared pain
Until I learned that it's necessary For growth.
I feared the truth
Until I saw the Ugliness in lies.
I feared life
Until I experienced Its beauty.
I feared death
Until I realized that it's Not an end, but a beginning.
I feared my destiny
Until I realized that I had the power to change My life.
I feared hate
Until I saw that it Was nothing more than Ignorance.
I feared love
Until it touched my heart, Making the darkness fade Into endless sunny days.
I feared ridicule
Until I learned how To laugh at myself.
I feared growing old
Until I realized that I gained wisdom every day.
I feared the future
Until I realized that Life just kept getting Better.
I feared the past
Until I realized that It could no longer hurt me.
I feared the dark
Until I saw the beauty Of the starlight
I promise myself
To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.
To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”
― Christian D. Larson,
Promise, I Promise
psst ... pass it on
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blind side you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't know.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave it before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess around too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, buy be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blind side you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't know.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave it before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess around too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, buy be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
He thinks she'll never leave. But she's drowning. He's more than she can take. Exhausted and broken, gasping for air, she turns away. She's been up and down so many times, she doesn't know if she'll resurface if she goes under again. Her survival instinct takes over. She locks all the doors. She ignores his cries. She knows she must let him go in order to save herself.
Happy New Year ***throws confetti***
I am not making any new year resolutions, I am making life reaffirmations. I affirm that I will:
Love hard.
Laugh often
Look for the bright side
Not hold grudges
Be thankful for the simple things
Live simply and fully
Enjoy each day like it was my last.
Pray more
Enjoy my seasons of love.
Love hard.
Laugh often
Look for the bright side
Not hold grudges
Be thankful for the simple things
Live simply and fully
Enjoy each day like it was my last.
Pray more
Enjoy my seasons of love.
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